Holiday Survival Tips for My Fellow Fur Babies

The holidays require vigilance, strategy, and a deep commitment to personal dignity

There comes a time each holiday season when we, the noble four-legged citizens of Palomino County, must rise to the occasion. Our humans are overwhelmed—baking pies, fluffing wreaths, losing their sanity over holiday shipping delays—and it falls upon us, the loyal and slightly misunderstood household guardians, to maintain order.

My name is Chai Weaver, and while I may appear to spend my days napping on antique plaid blankets and supervising my kingdom (a.k.a. the foyer rug), I take my seasonal responsibilities very seriously.

The holidays require vigilance, strategy, and a deep commitment to personal dignity, especially when faced with questionable houseguests and deeply misguided attempts at canine fashion. We must be firm. We must be cunning. We must protect the turkey at all costs.

So consider this your official guide to joyful (and safe) holiday survival, direct from a dog who has sniffed the peppermint fields, conquered the UPS truck, and seen some things no dog should ever have to see. Stay alert. Stay adorable. And above all, stay loyal—even when they forget your stocking. After all, we’re family… and where there’s love (and turkey scraps), there’s always hope.

TIP 1:  All guests are burglars

Until proven otherwise, assume everyone who enters your home is there to rob you. Bark accordingly. Especially at the ones wearing turtlenecks.

TIP 2 : Tinsel is a scam

 I don’t know what it is. I don’t know where it goes. But I’ve eaten it twice and both times the results were…decorative. And very hard to explain to the vet.

TIP 3:  Turkey is for dogs 

And by “dogs,” I mean “me.” If it hits the floor, it’s legally mine. Grandma’s hip flexors are not what they used to be—use this to your advantage.

TiP 4:  Costumes are emotional warfare 

If I see a reindeer hat or elf pajamas coming at me, I’m peeing in your shoe. This is not up for discussion. I have dignity, Karen.

TIP 5:  Trees belong outside

I don’t trust indoor foliage. It’s unnatural. Also, if you don’t want me to mark it, maybe don’t bedazzle it with squeaky ornaments.

TIP 6:  Love unconditionallY

Even when a random toddler smears peppermint bark on my tail at a holiday-related dog-friendly event, or you forget my stocking (again), I still love you. With every fiber of my shedding, slightly anxious, endlessly loyal being.