Tour Wreckers: A Definitive Guide for Those Who Love to Explore

whether stealing seats or complaining nonstop, these are The categorical dopes who can ruin any group tour

Group tours get a bad rap. They’re the targets of jokes, gripes, and...let’s be honest…travel snobs. Yet they are almost essential in many locales and situations. After traveling to nearly 70 countries over the years, I’ve seen all kinds from enthralling to appalling.

Three factors determine the quality of a group tour:

• The tour’s leader

• The weather

• The behavior of your fellow travelers

That last category leads us to the following compendium of tour wreckers: self-centered or clueless tour group patrons who can spoil everything from a half-day excursion to a bucket-list pilgrimage. A quality tour leader might try to control such buffoons; a lesser guide won’t or can’t. And the victimized tour participants rarely protest, preferring annoyance to confrontation. So, if you have booked a tour or are contemplating one, be forewarned. Here is a list of typical tour trashers, in no particular order of heinous behavior: 

Stealers

A common threat on bus tours. You grab a good seat fair and square, but after the first stop you return to find a squatter in your spot. Sometimes they even move the stuff you left as a marker. They will always avoid eye contact, and challenge them at your own peril. Most tour leaders will wimp out, saying seats are not assigned. Rising from the same defective gene pool as the seat-stealer, a close second is the table-stealer: this one appears at meal time in a group or on a cruise. You find a spot and mark it clearly, only to return from the buffet line to find some interloper at your table—your stuff conveniently relocated. The “accidental” spilling of a liquid on the offender is not recommended, even if it is justified.

Stumbler

No joke here; this hapless soul can kill any good tour buzz, if not himself (it’s usually a guy). Here’s a tip for these inattentive types: look down while walking, up while standing. Stay off the smartphone while doing either.

Jokester

A brilliant one-liner comes to one group member’s defective mind and must be shared with the group immediately. It’s funny how seldom anyone is amused. The lesson is simple: fight the urge and keep it zipped.

Speakerphoner 

It’s nice to share, but not when it’s a phone call. Some people can’t seem to hold their device to their ear, so they put the phone on speaker and force everyone around them to share in the conversation. And they always yell into the phone, compounding the offense.

No-see-er

Everyone else might see the ornate face carved in a stone column or the cryptic symbol in a painting, but not this visually challenged squinter. Some with this affliction are too embarrassed to admit their plight and stand their ground, waiting for the vision that never comes.

No-hear-er

An audio variation of above, easily identified by the mantra “What did she say?” The volume grows with each repetition, and the frequency of that question is directly proportional to the level of group irritation.

Talker 

No matter what the guide is saying, this jerk thinks his or her oration is more important or impressive. It never is.

Farter

Sorry, but we have to talk. What makes this guy think it won’t be noticed? Breaking news: it’s noticed. And when he takes the reflexive quick glance over his  shoulder to see if anyone’s in the blast zone, that’s self-incrimination. ‘Nuf said.

Snacker 

Sensible nourishment is a wise commodity on any tour. But this glutton’s maw is never empty or idle. The fare is often noisy, and it gets worse if the packaging is cellophane that makes a loud crackling sound until the delicacy is fully consumed. 

Blocker 

Often in groups of three or more, these folks lack any sense of spatial awareness. If three of you are each two feet wide and the walkway is six feet wide, do the math. You’re the cause of that exasperated gaggle bunching up behind you. Hint: think single file, please.

Gawker 

This killjoy can be just about anywhere during a tour – at an attraction, in the gift shop, or at the buffet – just standing there looking, impervious to the gymnastics of others trying to look over or around this clueless barrier.

Dawdler

Always late, always rude, never contrite. The most selfish of all tour wreckers.

Stopper

From the same defective evolutionary branch as the blocker. This human roadblock insists on stopping at the bus door to chat up the tour leader or wait for a traveling companion (no doubt a Dawdler), serenely unaware of the tourist train wreck piling up behind.

Repeater

It’s an unwanted echo, repeating out loud what the guide just said. Sometimes the echo actually matches the original. But it’s always annoying.

Know-It-All (KIA)

This pedant (usually male) thinks he knows more than the guide and can’t resist adding to or editing the presentation. Speaking for tour guides everywhere, knock it off. Here’s an idea for all the KIAs out there: Start your own tour! 

Griper

A common annoyance. This hum-bugger always finds something to complain about, and the malignancy often spreads as others in the group start griping about you-know-who.

Melter or Freezer

These go together for obvious reasons. It’s either too hot or too cold in the tour bus, in the museum, in the restaurant, wherever. Sometimes it’s the result of a poor clothing choice; other times it’s metabolic. Either way, my advice: carry a fan and bring a sweater. Just go easy with waving that fan.

Line-cutter

When someone joins a spouse in line after a restroom stop or other delay, that’s tolerable. But when the space-holder is joined by the entire extended family or the entire roster of her bowling league, that’s intolerable. The rule of three works here—if you’re joined by more than three, they should go to the end of the line. 

Hateful Haggler

Haggling is a cherished pastime in many parts of the world. Watching a skilled haggler in a local market can be a tour highlight. Then there’s the tightwad who bargains long after a fair price has been reached. Cue second hand embarrassment for his fellow tourists. Even worse is the rube who talks the vendor down to a reasonable price then walks away without buying. Outrageous.

Sprayer

Whether for sunscreen, insect repellant, or well-meaning odor suppression, the caustic clouds from these chemical weapons can be emotionally and sometimes physically irritating. If you can, skip the aerosols. If not, at least take it outside and pay attention to the wind direction.

Smoker 

Did someone mention wind direction? Touring smokers light up whenever they get into the open air. I get it, but please think of us nonsmokers and watch where your toxins will blow. Also, walk behind the group, not in front where everyone else is condemned to passing through your secondhand smoke cloud.

Germ Spreader

I was on a tour bus with a guy wheezing and sneezing all day. He assured us that it was “only a cold.” While it's a shame to get sick on a trip, why condemn your companions to the same fate? At least take some symptom suppressers and keep your distance. I’d recommend a mask or even a handkerchief, but nobody remembers what that is.

Photo Bomber

This visual vandal is memorialized all over the world in vacation photos showing chuckleheads invading the frame of the trip’s greatest shot, often with no chance for a do-over. Some violations are inadvertent, some are playful photo bombs, but others are intentional and deserve corporal punishment. 

Shade Boss

It’s a glorious day. The sun is shining as your bus rolls through some of the world’s most beautiful scenery. Then the person sitting in front of you pulls down the shade. It’s too bright. It’s too hot. Wah Wah. Good luck trying to get it raised again.

Refund Rowdy

At some point along the way, a patron may start complaining about the tour being misrepresented or incomplete and demand a refund. Right there in the middle of the tour. Maybe the issue has merit, maybe not. But save it for the end of the tour, please.

Enforcer

This guy (yep, their mostly male too) appoints himself tour sheriff to enforce every tour guide edict. While trying to control group behavior, he’s the Chief Misbehaver.

Guide Griller

It’s one thing to ask a guide a question or two. Nonstop interrogation is another matter. Give the guide and everyone in the group a break. Tip for the Guide Grillers: I’ve heard Google and AI work wonders for asking inane questions, in silence, on the fly.

Whistler

Who decided that whistling was acceptable in public? I’d like a word with that person. And melodic whistling on a tour bus is in most societies tantamount to aggravated assault. If you feel like whistling, go work for the railroad.

Final Rule

If you realize during your tour that YOU fit one of these categories, you lose all restroom break privileges and have to spend the rest of the day carrying the guide’s follow-me umbrella.

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About the Author

Ted Iliff is a retired journalist whose half-century career included stops at CNN, USA Today, United Press International, Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty and Voice of America. He also worked as a media consultant or lecturer in Montenegro, Kosovo, Albania, Armenia, Turkey, Iraq, and Afghanistan. He has authored three books. His volunteer work in retirement includes leading tours at the National World War I Museum and Memorial in Kansas City and editing prose for Veterans’ Voices magazine. His hobbies include traveling and a bad version of golf. He lives in Olathe, Kansas, with his wife Julia.