One Expert’s Look Into the Nine Circles of Parenting Hell

As the father of four and a stay-at-home dad, this man isn’t afraid to tell it like it is

Circle 1: Limbo

The birthday party starts at eight o’clock in the morning. On a weekend. Why? And it’s at the weird play gym that smells like toe jam. Do you have to stay? Probably not, right? The kids are all ten years old. Why would you have to stay? So, you do the drop-off, turn around to leave, and then the parent hosting the party thanks you for volunteering to run the bounce house. The next thing you know you are cornered by the crafting moms who want to debate the quality of different types of glue. Five hours later you are finally able to get away by hiding behind the bleachers—only to discover this is where the staff likes to hook up, and there are a lot of discarded prophylactics lingering around. Well, at least you can sit quietly and watch your TikToks. But alas, your phone is dead.

Circle 2: Lust

Sex is for people who don’t have anxiety, kids, and cats that cough up hairballs. You lust after sleep, but it’s not coming because the aforementioned cat demon just coughed up something juicy and chunky on your favorite pillow. Let’s be honest, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal—you’ve probably slept in worse filth in college—but your toddler saw the hairball and puked all over the rest of your bedding. It’s three in the morning, and your bedroom smells like Satan’s pooper. So, you strip the bed, put the toddler back in their room, and trip over your child’s favorite talking doll on the way back down the hall. But the batteries are going out, so it sounds like Jigsaw asking if you want to say the ABCs. You decide to sleep in your closet. The cat left you another gift in there.

Circle 3: Gluttony

Well, will you look at that? You made all the chicken nuggets that your kid DEMANDED. The stupid dinosaur ones and he only took one bite because you also gave him the wrong brand of ketchup. Now everything looks Dino-shaped. You know you’re losing it when you order a Dino-shaped frozen margarita. You keep promising yourself that you’ll hit the gym, but there are always more Dino-shaped things to do and so you entered your second career as a professional fatass. Welcome to the club, and please pass the ketchup.

Circle 4: Greed

Oh, all of the Halloween candy is yours! And so is all the heartburn.

Circle 5: Wrath

Hey, have you heard about all this Trad Wife thing? You should be a Trad Wife. I’m a Trad Wife. Check out my YouTube channel and buy my Trad Wife instruction manual: How to keep your man happy by not having a bank account. Oh, is that not for you? Well, how about this other parenting influencer? She’ll come to your door and guide you through the TikTok shop. Oh, and she’s a Trad Wife and you’re doing it wrong. 

Circle 6: Heresy

Your mother was always right, unlike you as a parent, who is always wrong. It has not been scientifically proven. Luckily, your mother will call daily to tell you how you’re doing it wrong. Whiskey on teething gums is just fine and everyone enjoys a screaming baby who is now a mean drunk.

Circle 7: Violence

You didn’t realize that turtles hiss when they are pissed off, which is kinda all of the time. But that’s what your son wanted for his birthday, so you bought one. You put little Trizzy in her tank and she hissed at you and at first you thought there was a flat tire somewhere. Then you had to get Trizzy a friend, Ralph. You were tired and weren’t thinking straight, and well, nature did what nature does. Now you have a bunch of Trizzys and Ralphs. And every time they see you, they hiss. Oh, and turtles live like 20 years, and that’s how long they will be in your house. Hissing. Sounding as though they are forever angry at the world and may commit a small fish or leafy green homicide at any moment.

Circle 8: Fraud

“Don’t worry parents. We have a stellar online school program all figured out during Covid. It will go smoothly. It will be a great year!”

Circle 9: Treachery

“Don’t tell mom,” you say, as a dad to your wonderful little boy. The first thing he does is tell Mom. Then you spend the next hour explaining that crossing a 100-year-old wooden bridge in the minivan was cool and not that dangerous. The police were exaggerating. With your dying breath, you scream out “Avenge me!” only to hear the echo of your children. “Maybe this was all your fault? I’m not avenging anyone.”

***

About the author

Shannon Carpenter is the author of The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad and is a graduate of the famous Second City, where he refined his humor writing to capture the attention of audiences everywhere. Whether writing social satire, essays, or books, he is always able to find your funny bone and leave you with a lasting impression. He has appeared on Good Morning America, CNN, MSNBC, The Wall Street Journal, Slate, NPR, Forbes, The Atlantic, and numerous other publications. Redbook Magazine has named him as one of America’s “Adventure Dads.” Finally, BuzzFeed recognized him as one of the funniest women of the week in 2020, which was weird because he is not a woman. However, he is very funny.