Summer Cocktails to Serve Party Guests Who Have Overstayed Their Welcome

While the perfect libation can make a party shine, it can also signal to guests when it’s time to go

The Warm and Comfy

• 1 cup almond milk

• 1 oz cookies and creme gin

• Garnish: Crushed Cinnamon Toast Crunch

  
  

Heat your locally sourced almond milk to a tepid temperature. As you do so, look around your little get together and remind guests that it is 9:01 PM on Saturday night, and that it’s getting late. What are Kevin and Stacy doing here? Pour the drink into a copper cup and sprinkle generously with crushed Cinnamon Toast Crunch so that it floats on the cooling milk skin. Serve in your pajamas.

Take the Hint

• 1/2 cup Walmart boxed wine

• 2 oz cranberry vodka

• Dash of Xanax

  
  

Although most guests have said their goodbyes and exchanged Instagram information, Kevin and Stacy have taken their shoes off and are now discussing Middle Eastern politics on your couch. Mix the wine, the cranberry vodka, and stir in 1/2 tab crushed Xanax. Serve in a small travel mug (leak proof) topped with two lightly frosted throat lozenges. Surely, Kevin and Stacy will now understand it’s time to leave so that you can cry about your ex, Phillip, who honestly could never take a hint either.

The Awkward Pause

• 1 ripe yellow melon, diced

• 1/3 oz fresh lime juice

• 6 oz expired orange juice leftover from when Phillip used to make you breakfast

  
  

The expired orange juice will provide all the kick you need. Blend all ingredients for 10 seconds without ice as you remember all the good things about Phillip. When properly mixed, pour into Phillip’s favorite mug that he left when he moved out. Serve with a smile to Kevin and Stacy who have moved off the couch and now stand next to your fish tank. Remind Kevin that it’s not really appropriate to pet your fish and then laugh awkwardly. There used to be two fish, but Phillip broke up the matching pair. Stand silently as they both look at you and wonder why their conversation has stalled so dramatically.

Phillip’s Favorite

• 12 kiwi fruit

• 1 2/3 oz kiwi syrup

• 2 oz fresh kiwi juice

• 3oz kiwi-infused absinthe

• 1 quart 7UP (optional)

  
  

Phillip had a kiwi fetish, which you tried to live with. But every woman has her limits and being “seeded” just wasn’t your scene. Peel and blend the kiwi fruit. Strain through your shattered hopes and dreams, or a cheesecloth. Pour the absinthe into the empty Walmart wine box and add the fruit mixture. Combine with 7UP for a dryer taste. Garnish and serve it up to Kevin and Stacy—as they begin to move into your spare bedroom. How do you even know Kevin and Stacy? Aren’t they Phillips work friends? Offer to call them an Uber as they shut the door.

Are You Serious!

• Mad Dog 20/20, Banana Red variety

  
  

Sit in your room and notice how the walls of your apartment are very thin. No need for cocktail glasses with this libation, it’s meant to be served straight from the bottle. Take a swig for each time Stacy utters Kevin’s name, which is surprisingly a lot. Kevin has got some stamina, unlike Phillip.

The Eviction Order

• 2 oz of blended Organic Honey Grass Whiskey

• 1/2 oz superfine sugar

• 1/2 oz triple sec

• Dash of extreme bitters

  
  

This is a cocktail of confidence! Pour ingredients into a cocktail shaker and throttle it. Perhaps envision Phillip's neck. Strain into a small whiskey tumbler and proudly step out of your room. Silently say goodbye to your fish that floats at the top of your aquarium. To serve, have a uniformed sheriff's deputy knock roughly on your spare bedroom door. Why does it smell like kiwi?

The Squatters Rights

• 1/2 oz elderflower cordial

• 1 pint Jim Beam

• 12 oz Lemon-Lime Kool-Aid

• Serve in halved yellow bell pepper

  
  

The sheriff informs you that Kevin and Stacy are claiming squatter's rights. And, of course, you have the perfect cocktail for the occasion. Add exactly one ingredient each time you mutter an expletive under your breath. Blend until brown. To serve, pack your bags (don’t forget your fish!) and walk down the stairs to the curb. Sip your cocktail out of the halved bell pepper as it will help control the sobbing. When Phillip shows up in his 1983 Ford Fiesta, confront him and demand closure. What’s with the darn kiwis, anyway?

As Phillip takes you to your mom’s house, let the aroma of the cocktail do all the talking. Congratulate yourself on a successful party and the ingenuity of your cocktail menu. Perhaps it’s time to invite Phillip over again and serve him your absolute best creation yet: You Can Rum, But You Can’t Highball.

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About the author

Shannon Carpenter is the author of The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad and is a graduate of the famous Second City, where he refined his humor writing to capture the attention of audiences everywhere. Whether writing social satire, essays, or books, he is always able to find your funny bone and leave you with a lasting impression. He has appeared on Good Morning America, CNN, MSNBC, The Wall Street Journal, Slate, NPR, Forbes, The Atlantic, and numerous other publications. Redbook Magazine has named him as one of America’s “Adventure Dads.” Finally, BuzzFeed recognized him as one of the funniest women of the week in 2020, which was weird because he is not a woman. However, he is very funny.